Love Is Not Found. It Is Built. | 10 Jewish Relationship Truths for Tu B’Av

Tu B’Av is often called the Jewish day of love. In this special Tu B’Av discussion, Rabbi Yisroel Bernath, known as the “Love Rabbi” shares ten essential Jewish relationship principles for singles, couples, and anyone seeking to build deeper, healthier love.

Drawing from Torah, Jewish wisdom, matchmaking experience, and years of counselling singles and couples, Rabbi Bernath explores why dating is not a performance, why chemistry must never outrun character, how to distinguish genuine needs from unrealistic checklists, and why love is not simply something we find, it is something we build.

This class offers practical guidance for dating with clarity, choosing with wisdom, communicating honestly, repairing conflict, and creating a relationship rooted in generosity, commitment, faith, and emotional responsibility.

10 Jewish Relationship Truths

1. Know Who You Are Before Asking Someone Else to Join You
2. Don’t Become Good at Dating—Become Good at Relating
3. Stop Auditioning for Love
4. Don’t Let Chemistry Outrun Character
5. Talk About What Matters Before the Wedding
6. Look for Your Complement, Not Your Clone
7. Know Your Essentials, but Don’t Worship Your Checklist
8. Love Grows Through Giving, but Giving Is Not Self-Erasure
9. Love Is Not Tit for Tat
10. Don’t Date the Relationship to Death

Available now:

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Audiobook: https://bit.ly/4tPFZhV

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello everyone. Today is a beautiful day and one of the most beautiful days of the year. It is Tuba of, which is the Jewish holiday of love. Some people call it Jewish Valentine's Day. I don't think it's a good way of putting it. It's uh it predates Valentine's Day. Uh, it's both an ancient and a modern holiday. It was originally a post-uh biblical day of joy. It was a matchmaking day for unmarried women in the Second Temple period, which was uh like around, you know, we don't know exactly which day it began, but like somewhere like within the first century. And for a long time, Tuba'av wasn't noticed on the Jewish calendar, and definitely in recent years, especially uh in the modern state of Israel, it has kind of come up as a Jewish holiday of love. There is no way to know exactly um when it began, but the first mention of this is in the Mishnah, where Rabban Shimon Ben Gamliel is quoted saying that there were no better, or maybe translate as happier, there were no happier days for the Jewish people of Israel than the 15th day of Av and Yom Kippur. Why? Because these were the days that the daughters of Israel would go out dressed in white and dance in the vineyards, and and they would say, Young man, consider whom you should choose to be your wife. It's an interesting story on its own of these kind of matchmaking days, that these were the 15th of, which was after the three-week period, which was um after the time of the destruction of a temple. And then on Yom Kippur, but those were the matchmaking days of the year. People would uh, I guess on Yom Kippur they were already dressed in white because that was the tradition of Yom Kippur. And in in the time in between the prayers in the afternoon, people would, the women would go out and there would be matches that were made. Um I can go into the history, but I think I want to go a little more into my uh relationship secrets, or I don't like the word secrets. Relationship advice. The f um my first relationship truth, and I'm just here broadcasting live, which means I didn't really plan any of this. I usually, believe it or not, plan my classes. This is just impromptu in honor of Tuba of. So I'm just gonna kinda talk and hopefully something comes of this beautiful time that we have together. So my relationship, my relationship truth number one is know who you are before asking someone else to join you. The first question that God asks the human being in the Torah is a question that I think about so often, Ayaka. God says to Adam, Where are you? Now, God obviously knew Adam's physical location. This was not a request for GPS coordinates. God was asking, Where are you in life? Who are you becoming? What do you stand for? What are you doing with the gifts that I gave you? And before we begin looking for another person, my invitation is to make sure that we know who we are. Now, we're always becoming, so we'll never exactly know who we are. We don't have to be uh completely healed, we don't have to have every question answered. We're not going to get married perfect, but we should have a direction. We should know what kind of life am I trying to build? What role, let's say, does Judaism play in my home? What does family mean to me? How do I relate to money? What kind of parent do I hope to become? What does emotional health look like to me? How do I respond when I'm hurt? Am I capable of apologizing? Very important in relationships. Am I willing to grow? Self-confidence is attractive. And genuine self-confidence is not walking into a room believing that you're better than everyone. It's walking into a room without needing to compare yourself to everyone. Knowing that my life has purpose. That I am here to contribute something, that I carry a divine soul. That I'm still growing and I'm I'm I'm moving. A relationship is not going to provide you with an identity, but it will support your identity. It will also challenge your identity. It will also help you express your identity. It can't manufacture one for you. So maybe my first tuba of question is not where is my soulmate? Which is the question a lot of people put the emphasis on. They put the emphasis on the wrong syllable. They say, Where is my soulmate? I think the first question is, where am I? It's a beautiful thought. I am fifty percent of my potential relationship. That fifty percent of my future relationship is in this room. 50% of my current relationship is in this room. So before asking God to reveal the person that I meant to meet, I asked God to help me become the person I meant to be. Don't become good at dating. Become good at relating. Don't become good at dating. You will never find a lifelong partner. Now, I'll tell you what I mean by that. I don't mean that you should become terrible company. Arrive on time, ask questions, listen, don't spend the entire evening describing every problem you've had since kindergarten using it as free therapy. What I mean is that dating and marriage require very different skills. I'll give you an example. Dating asks, can I present the best version of myself for two hours? Marriage is going to ask me, can I become present when life becomes uncomfortable? After a date, I may ask myself, was the evening exciting? In marriage, I ask myself, can we build something meaningful on an ordinary Wednesday? Dating very easily can become performance. It's not a relationship. Marriage is a relationship. And so if I become too attached to the excitement of meeting somebody new, I may become uncomfortable when the relationship begins to feel familiar. Familiarity is not always boredom. Sometimes familiar is safety. Sometimes when the butterflies disappear, the nervous system is able to relax. And I don't think that's an issue. I think maybe that's the beginning of intimacy. When I think of relationship, I go back to the Bible, to the Torah. The first observation of human relationships in the Torah is it says it is not good for the human being to be alone. So God's solution to the human being not being alone is not entertainment. God creates a counterpart, a person with whom life can be faced, a person with whom life can be developed, and a person with whom life can be shared. So I see dating not as a destination, but as the bridge. Learn to listen. Learn to disclose gradually as you feel more comfortable, as you feel safer. Learn to notice another person's emotional bids. That's a big one. Especially in the beginning. And it doesn't have to be like this. Don't feel like you're the person's psychologist. But you could ask in a loving and heartfelt and like how is this experience for you? And learn to sit with answers that you didn't expect, to tolerate the fact that there's another person that's not exactly like you. Those are relationship skills. And those are the relationship skills that build marriages. Here's my uh relationship truth number three. Stop auditioning for love. So many people approach dating as though they're auditioning for a role, trying to say the right thing, to order the right thing, to wear the right thing, to laugh, the fake plastic laugh at the right moment, to reveal enough to feel vulnerable, but not enough to appear human. And what happens? They go home exhausted. Of course, they go home exhausted because they just performed a three-hour one-person show. I would also be exhausted after a three-hour one-person show. Dating should involve effort. You should be thoughtful. Present. Presence is really hard in our world today. Put the phone away. Don't even take it out. You take it out, you miss the point. Leave it in the car. You should make the other person feel important. I think there is a difference between effort and performance. Effort says, I respect you enough to bring my best. Performance says, I don't believe that my real self could be loved. One of my uh one of the most beautiful ideas in the story of Tuba of is that the Jerusalem, the women, when they would go out to the vineyards, they would borrow white clothing. The reason why is because they didn't want anyone to know who was from a wealthy family and who was not from a wealthy family. And the the clothing erased the social differences and prevented the dating from becoming a competition, a competition of status. And so I think from them we learn that come as a soul, not as a brand. Don't try to impress someone by trying to be impressive, because you're not going to impress anybody by trying to be impressive. You become attractive when you're genuinely interested, when you're present, when you're alive. You can tell them a story that you actually find funny. You can share an idea that genuinely matters to you. You can ask a question whose answer you actually want to hear. Like you don't have to pretend to love hiking when the greatest wilderness adventure of your life is walking through the parking lot at Costco. Eventually, the truth is going to emerge, so why fake it? The goal is not to be universally attractive. That's impossible, and it's also really unnecessary. You don't need everyone to choose you, you need the right person to recognize you. And that only becomes possible when there's someone real to recognize. Authenticity also doesn't mean showing your entire life story and telling everything on the first date. Boundaries are healthy, privacy is healthy, gradual disclosure is healthy. I think that authenticity means that what you do reveal is true. Your humor is yours. Your values are yours. Your your questions are yours. Your your your personality is present. And the less desperately that you try to impress, the more room you're going to create for genuine connection. So my advice is stop auditioning for love. You're not applying for a position. Here's my relationship truth number four. Don't let chemistry outrun your character. Yep. Here comes the rabbi answer. Don't touch when you're dating. I mean, you knew it was coming. I'm not, I don't make choices for people. I'm just telling you that it's going to make things much more complicated. I know that you were wondering, like, you know, of course, that has to be brought up at some point. So I'm going to tell you what it's really about and just hear me out. Because I think it's just so foreign. These ideas are so foreign in our society. The Jewish approach to physical boundaries during dating is based on the belief that the body is powerful, that touch matters, that physical closeness creates attachment. And it can create a powerful sense of connection before two people have determined whether they share the character, whether they share the values, whether they share the vision needed to build a life. Chemistry is real. Chemistry is important. You should feel some attraction. You're not selecting a business partner. But it's also, and this is what I caution, chemistry is a terrible detective. It cannot reliably tell me, is this person honest? Will this person respect me when they're disappointed? How does this person behave under pressure? Can this person manage money responsibly? Can this person honor my boundaries? Does this person take responsibility? Can this person remain kind during a disagreement? Chemistry says something is happening. Character is going to tell you whether that something is good. So when when physical intimacy moves too quickly, it becomes more difficult to see clearly. And then you begin defending a relationship because you're emotionally attached to it. And often I think we can interpret intensity as compatibility. But intensity is not intimacy. Intensity can happen in an evening. Intimacy requires time, it requires truth. It requires trust. So my thought is like this: allow the soul to speak before the body begins shouting. And I think this principle is larger than physical touch. And this, I think, is in a relationship in general, having boundaries around physical touch. I know it sounds insane because physical touch is such a part of all types of relationships. But not allowing any form of excitement to outrun a character. Not charm, not status, not beauty, not professional success, not someone's family, not the fact that they said exactly what you wanted to hear, exactly when they said it. The Jewish teaching is slow down. Slow down enough to notice, to observe. How does this person speak about the people that don't benefit them? Can they hear the word no? Can they apologize without adding the word but? Do their actions match their words? Attraction is beautiful. It can open a door, but character, character determines whether it's safe to walk through that door. And I'll say this as well. If you're listening to this and saying, oh, this is what I'm looking for, the harder thing is to look on the inside, because our nose is in the way. To look at ourselves and say, Am I the kind of person who can do this? Am I the kind of person who can be in a relationship with the person I want to be in a relationship with? Am I the complement of the person who I want to be in a relationship with? I may want something, I may desire something, but am I that person? Or the compliment of that person. And compliment doesn't mean opposite. It means attraction, connection. Relationship truth number five. Talk about what matters before the marriage. Thank God I have a great opportunity to bless many unions. Stand under the chupa. It's one of my favorite moments. It's to be able to. I love the rabbi's perspective. To be standing there at beautiful chuppa. Every chupa is beautiful. To look at this beautiful couple. To hold the glass in my hand, to bless a union. And part of blessing that union, I consider myself the first line of defense. And I ask myself, am I really blessing this union? What did I do to deserve this honor? Am I just because I'm a rabbi and you just need a rabbi for the wedding? Which is actually not true. You don't need a rabbi for the wedding. You need two witnesses and you need a ring and a ketubah. You don't even need a rabbi. So the fact that I am here blessing this union, what did I do to set up this couple for a long-lasting and healthy relationship? And I take that job very seriously. And couples to whom I've blessed their unions know that. And it's not only before, even after the wedding, we spend time together. And before when a couple comes to me, one of the first things that we do is they fill out a full questionnaire and I create an analysis, a full analysis of their relationship, the strengths and the weaknesses. Every relationship has strengths, and every relationship has weaknesses. And I'm always amazed at things that couples who have dated, who have courted each other for sometimes for years. I'm shocked with the things they have not discussed. Not long ago, I asked, I ask lots of different questions on my questionnaire. Basic questions, more complicated questions. An example, I had a couple not long ago, and one of the questions that I ask, again, they're engaged. We're not dating here. Is how many children do you want? I would think that if you're getting married, that especially for a young couple, that is an important question that someone should know. And and he writes three and she writes zero. They had been at this point dating for almost two years and already engaged for six months. It was a hard conversation that we had. A very hard conversation. Successful. Again, I don't make choices for people, I just support the choices they make. But a hard conversation. And so talk about what matters. Have you discussed money? Have you discussed children? I'm not saying you have to do it on the first date, but at some point before you get engaged. Religion. Where you want to live. What happens when your families disagree? We're hoping they never do. Have you discussed details of life? You know, so often they can tell me their favorite restaurants, they can tell me their favorite TV shows, they can tell me the favorite coffee beans. But they can't tell me about the life they're planning to share. And a wedding or after a wedding should not be the first serious conversation in a relationship. And so my request is don't be afraid to talk about the future. Not all at once, but over time. You don't have to interrogate someone on the first date. You don't have to arrive with a clipboard. Sometimes people do that. It's the opposite of what I'm talking about. When the person's like, okay, here it is. Here's my checklist. Doom, doom, doom, doom. But I think that as the relationship develops, the conversation must develop with it. To talk about faith, about family, about children, uh about community, money, work, lifestyle, health, emotional needs. It's a hard conversation. Expectations, conflict, boundaries, the role extended family is going to play. How do you make important decisions? What's that process look like? Are you impulsive? Are you the one that makes lots of lists? How do you respond when life doesn't follow the plan that you planned? If you're the kind of person, the type A person, and you're dating somebody who maybe is not that rigid, what does that look like? Can we handle that? These are things that are going to matter in life. And I think even more important is the question is what are you willing to work on? To me, I am so inspired by couples and by individuals who are constantly working because the work never stops. Compatibility is not agreeing about everything. No two people agree about everything. Sometimes I don't even agree with myself from yesterday. So how can I expect someone else to agree with me? But compatibility means that your core values can live in the same home. It means that your dreams don't require the destruction of another person's dreams. It means you can discuss differences with curiosity rather than contempt. And I'm using those two words, curiosity and contempt. Curiosity builds relationships, contempt destroys relationships. Serious conversations do not destroy good relationships. When I sat with that couple who I had seen, that he wrote um three and she wrote zero, I asked them, how has this not come up before? And they looked at me and they said, we didn't want to destroy a good thing. They had an inkling that that was true. We didn't want to mess up a good thing. Serious conversations do not mess up a good think. They reveal whether the relationship is capable of becoming good. If one honest conversation can destroy a relationship, then the conversation didn't destroy it. It had nothing to do with that. It was destroyed before that. Maybe the conversation uncovered it. So my advice is to ask real questions and then do the hard work of being present and listening to the answers. And not only listening for the confirmation bias for the answers that you hoped that you would hear, but listen for the person who's actually speaking. It's not about collecting correct answers, it's about discovering whether you and someone else feel safe enough to tell each other the truth. Okay, relationship truth number six. You're looking for your compliment, not your clone. If you look at the Torah and it describes Adam and Eve, the first relationship, it says an interesting word. Two words, actually. Ezer Kenegdo. What does that mean? Ezer means a helpmate connecdo against. A helper that is opposite. It's a paradox, a beautiful paradox. A helper and an opposite. You would think it should say a supportive partner. No, it does not say that. A helper that is opposite. Sometimes your partner will support you, and sometimes your partner will stand across from you and tell you something that you don't want to hear. And that could also be a support. A soulmate is not necessarily someone who thinks like you, is not necessarily someone who speaks like you, who processes like you and wants exactly what you want at every moment. I remember when I was engaged, a friend of mine, his father, had just gotten divorced. And he's like, Are you sure you want to get married to her? And so I was like, I wasn't engaged. I'm getting married, like I'm I'm head over heels, of course. And he's like, But what if you don't like the same toothpaste? That was his question to me. I don't know, we'll get two different toothpaste. I didn't think about it, but it doesn't sound so extreme in my life. You don't have to actually have everything the same. A soulmate does not have to have everything the same as you and have to want exactly what you want at every moment. That person's not your soulmate. That person is you with a different phone number. Don't search for the same. Search for the compliment. What is a compliment? A compliment is someone who shares your central values while bringing different strengths. Like, for example, maybe you're spontaneous and the other person's organized. Maybe you move quickly and the other person reflects deeply. Maybe you are emotionally expressive and the other person is emotionally steady. Maybe you bring energy, vitality, and the other person brings grounding. Differences can create tension, and differences can also create wholeness. So what I'm thinking about is not are we identical? Can our differences serve a shared life? Your partner should not have to become you in order to be loved by you. You should not have to erase yourself in order to be loved by them. And so that's why I often say to singles, it's not about finding Mr. or Miss Wright. It's about finding Mr. or Miss Wright for me. Find the person who's right for you. You know, people say women are like this. I love the generalizations, especially singles. Singles love generalizing. Women are like this and men are like this. I don't know about generalizations because you're only looking for one person. A person can be wonderful and still not be your person. They can be attractive, they could be intelligent, they could be kind, they could be accomplished, they could be from a beautiful family and still not be the person who you build a life with. And that does not make them deficient. It makes them someone else's possibility. So don't ask only, is this person impressive? Ask what happens to me around this person? Do I become more honest? Do I become more generous? Do I become more stable? Do I become more responsible? Do I become more connected to God? Does this relationship invite my soul forward? A good partner does not complete you because you were half a person. You were already a whole soul. A good partner helps you create something neither of you could create alone. King Solomon, who knew relationships better than anybody else, said that two are better than one because one can lift the other when they fall. So marriage is not one half plus one half. It's one whole person and another whole person becoming a third reality. Us. See how many of these I can do. I'm really just broadcasting live here, so I ought to just process a second to make sure I formulate it correctly. Know your essentials, but don't worship your checklist. I really dislike the phrase you need to settle. I'm settling. I mean, I I think make for I don't know, this is how I see it. To me, it makes marriage sound like a clearance section. Well, this one has a small scratch, but apparently he's 40% off. So why not? You should never settle for I don't know, cruelty or or dishonesty. You shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or a relationship that is not for you. You don't have to settle for a relationship that's constant that's constantly diminishing your dignity. People I think often use the word settle to describe something very different. They mean that the person did not arrive in the Amazon package that I imagined they would. Maybe they're shorter than I was anticipating. I really wanted somebody who was taller and they're shorter. Or I wanted someone that was louder, they're quieter. Or maybe I wanted someone younger and they're a little older. Or maybe I wanted someone a little older and they're a little younger. Or from a city that I never imagined I would date somebody from, or from a different family background, or their career is different. Somebody, you know, I I've I decided that I'm going to try to set up a hundred couples today in honor of Tuba of. And so I'm getting all these lists of people. Somebody said, I only want to date a lawyer.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

What?

SPEAKER_00 40:56

Like, why would you limit yourself like that? So maybe the career is not what you wanted. Maybe their personality is not what you wanted. Maybe they don't match the image you created when you were 19 and dreaming about the person that you were gonna marry. Your life has evolved. Maybe your understanding of of of your soulmate should evolve as well. The women on Tuba of in the vineyards of Jerusalem said to the young men, lift your eyes and examine what you are choosing. I love these this terminology that they used. Don't allow appearance to determine your choice. I think that a checklist is good. You have to know what your negotiables are and what your non-negotiables are. Very valuable. But it's only useful when it identifies values. It becomes dangerous when it attempts to control God's packaging. And so I encourage singles to identify three genuine non-negotiables, not 37. Three. So, for example, a person who is kind. I think of Eliezer, who was the servant of Abraham, who went to look for a son for Abraham, a wife for Abraham's son, Isaac. And he went to the well and he said, I'm gonna get a value. What was his value? He wanted a woman who would ask him if he wanted water and ask for his camels too. It was a crazy thing, but that, and that it happened and it was a miracle. You understand there's a God in the world and everything is beyond us. That's the real story. But but a value needs to be specific. A person must share my commitment to Jewish life. A person must be uh emotionally responsible and willing to grow. Uh I think it's important to distinguish between a requirement and a preference. A non-negotiable and a negotiable. A requirement is something without which a relationship cannot support the life that I want to build. That's a non-negotiable. A preference is something I would enjoy. Just remember, for every non-negotiable I have, I must negotiate on many things. So there's nothing wrong with non-negotiables. There's nothing wrong with preferences. But I don't want to confuse a preference with a prophecy. Your soulmate may not look like the person you imagined. And that may be because God is sending you the person rather than the illustration. So don't settle for less than what your soul truly needs, but be humble enough to reconsider what your soul truly needs. And sometimes the thing that you thought you needed was really the thing that you were accustomed to wanting. Okay, let's do one more. My relationship truth number eight. Love grows through giving, but giving is not self-erasure. We live in an age of extraordinary independence. People can support themselves. People can travel alone. They can build careers, they can create homes, they could order dinner without speaking to another human being. We do nearly everything ourselves. And much of that independence is a blessing, a beautiful blessing. But it's created a relationship problem. Because we become so accustomed to asking what works for me, what suits my schedule, what meets my needs, what fits into my life, that we begin treating relationships like we're interviewing a new app. You know, like, will this person make my life more convenient? Well, long-term relationships, marriage is not primarily about convenience. Sometimes marriage is profoundly inconvenient, actually. There may even be two people trying to use the bathroom at the same time. But love asks us to make room, to be affected by another person, to carry another person's concerns, to celebrate what matters to them, to give not because we're purchasing something in return, but because their happiness has become meaningful to us. Beautiful line in Perkyavot that distinguishes between love that depends entirely on something external and love capable of surviving when the benefit, when the external benefit disappears. Mature love cannot be built on how somebody makes me feel, or what you do for me, or how attractive you are, or what status you bring me. Those things may be part of the relationship. But if they are the entire foundation, the relationship becomes fragile. I think, and maybe I'm being so bold to say this, but love asks, what can I contribute? How can I support your growth? How can I make your life lighter? How can I help you become more fully yourself? And maybe we have to add this. Giving does not mean disappearing. Love is not self-abandonment. If you have to lose yourself in a relationship, then we're missing something here. A relationship in which one person continually gives and the other one continually takes is not love. It's imbalance. Healthy giving has boundaries. It also includes the ability to say hard things like I love you, and this behavior is not acceptable. I care about you, and I can't carry this responsibility for you. You can be compassionate without becoming responsible for another adult's every emotion. You can be generous without surrendering your identity. You can give a hundred percent of your effort without accepting zero percent responsibility from the other person. The goal is not 50-50. I don't know any relationship that's successful and it's 50-50. Sometimes one person is struggling and the other one can only give 10%, 20%. And sometimes the other person is struggling and they can only give 20%, the other one gives the 80%. One week roles are reversed. The goal is not this perfect 50-50 accounting. It's it's mutual devotion. It's both people are are trying to give. Both people care about the effect they have. Both people are responsible for the health of the relationship. Stop trying to be your own soulmate. Allow yourself to need. It's been a big one for me. Allow yourself to give, which is a little easier for me. Allow yourself to receive a little harder for me. That's not weakness. That's what relationship is. Okay, I'll do one more. Okay, maybe two more. Just two more. It's tuba of. It's a beautiful day. It's a day to share. It's a day to grow. It's a day to find our person. It's a day to reestablish our relationship with the person that we have in our lives. And so if we can take one thing out of this, oh, I know I'm talking about a lot of different things. We have to take one thing out of this. I think it brings this beautiful day of love to uh to a reality in our lives that we should be able to unpack it for the rest of the year. So, what's my relationship truth number nine? This kind of came up at the end of this one. That's why I can't leave this without saying it. Love is not tit for tat. Don't keep score. You paid last time, I called first, you apologized twice, I visited your family, now you you owe me a visit to mine, you forgot our anniversary in 2017, apparently the case remains open. A relationship cannot survive if both people are collecting evidence for the prosecution. Now, I don't think this means ignoring patterns. If one person makes all the effort, that has to be discussed. If one person is continually breaking promises, that matters. But there's a difference between noticing a pattern and keeping score. Noticing a pattern means how can we make this healthier? Keeping score is how do I win? And every time you win against your partner, your relationship loses. The goal is not victory, it's peace. Shalom, most beautiful word in the world. Shalom. Shalom, peace does not mean that nobody ever disagrees. Actually, rupture is very good for relationships. Shalom comes from the word shalen, wholeness. It means that two different people can remain connected while facing a difference. And the most important relationship skill is not avoiding conflict, it's repairing conflict. You can be humble enough to say, I misunderstood you. I don't like the way I reacted. I want to try that again. Can I try that again? It's humility, it's hard. I became defensive. I I I spoke disrespectfully. I can see why that hurts. I'm sorry. What do you need for me now? I think what do you need for me now is much more romantic than I made reservations. Although sometimes reservations are lovely. That God is only present when they when they agree. God can also be there when they disagree. I tell couples, you know, when couples get engaged, it gives everyone permission to give them unsolicited marriage advice. And one of the most popular, there are many very popular pieces of marriage advice. Usually they're jokey jokey, sometimes not so jokey jokey, but one of the most popular pieces of marriage advice that young couples get is never go to bed in an argument. And I say to them, I think it's a really bad piece of advice because you're going to be married tomorrow. And maybe right now, before we go to sleep, is not the right time to get into this conversation. We're tired, we're exhausted, maybe we've been fighting. Tomorrow's another day, and maybe we'll have fresh eyes on it. You're allowed to be going to sleep in a fight. It's okay. I think that a relationship needs humility, it needs respect, it needs apology, it needs curiosity. That's a holy relationship. And starting to get into the to, you know, we have to get take care of it right now, right now. Well, maybe I'm the kind of person who needs a little bit of time to process. I can't do it right this second. I need a little bit of space. And then we get into who started it. I think that's not the question. The question is not who started it. The question in my mind is who's going to be courageous enough to begin repairing it? The question is not whose fault is this? The question is, what is my responsibility here? Often we're looking to, no, I have to prove it. I have to prove that I'm right. Well, if I try to prove that I'm right, then did I protect what is right between us? Love is not tit for tat. Love is not a courtroom. Your partner is not your opponent. The problem is the problem, and the two of you are a team. It's the two of you against the world. Got one last one for today. This is one I see a lot with people dating. So I'm gonna focus this last one on daters since this is tuba of is about dating, though I've tried to bring people in relationships already into all the others. This one is gonna be really one that I see a lot. I call it dating to death. Don't date the relationship to death. Relationships have a natural progression. You meet, you become curious, you learn about one another, trust develops, you begin discussing the future, you determine whether your values and lives can come together, and eventually the relationship has to move forward towards a decision. And some people resist this progression. They just keep dating indefinitely because they don't want to make a decision. And they're done. They've already uncovered the important information. Maybe they're looking for absolute certainty, maybe they don't know what certainty is, because certainty doesn't really exist. Marriage does not come with a trailer showing the next 50 years of your life. At some point, every meaningful decision requires courage. You don't have to rush it. You don't have to have anyone pressure you into marriage. But I think taking the time to to observe character, to discuss the life that you're considering. And then what I'm thinking is taking the time is different than hiding inside time. I've heard people say, I just need to know the person better. After three years, they probably know the person's childhood dentist. What else are you waiting to uncover? And sometimes the issue is not a lack of information. It's fear. It's the and it's it's totally understandable. It's the fear of choosing, it's the fear of closing other possibilities, of maybe there's somebody else, uh, the fear of being needed, the fear of depending on someone, the fear that marriage might reveal parts of you that dating allows you to conceal. That commitment closes doors, but it also allows you to walk deeply through one door. And a person who refuses to choose can preserve endless possibilities while never building an actual life. And that's why the Torah talks about this and says, shall leave your parents' home. It also says that you know that's what Abraham did, he left his parents' home. Leaving, or or you should leave your parents and cling to your spouse, as the Torah says that also, so that together you become one flesh. The language is active. Leave, cling, become. Marriage is movement. Commitment is not the conclusion of love. Commitment creates the conditions. It creates the conditions through which deeper love can begin. So maybe when we're dating, we can say without saying it, oh well, this feels good. Commitment says, I choose to keep building with you as life unfolds. Again, I I mean, I have to say this, of course, but it doesn't mean you stay in an abusive relationship. It doesn't mean you stay in a dangerous relationship. Commitment is never a permission for abuse. But in a healthy relationship, commitment creates a container that's strong enough to hold vulnerability, to hold growth, to hold disappointment, to hold repair, to hold joy. And so don't rush toward commitment blindly, but don't run from commitment endlessly. Allow the relationship to progress, don't date it to death, and give love the courage to become a life. So let me see if I can remember all ten of my relationship truths. Number one, know who you are before asking someone else to join you. Number two, do not become good at dating, become good at relating. Number three, stop auditioning for love. Number four, do not let chemistry outrun character. Number five, talk about what matters before getting engaged. Number six, look for your compliment, not your clone. Number seven, know your essentials, don't worship your checklist. Number eight, love grows through giving, not self-erasure. Number nine, love is tit for tat, and number ten, don't date to death. Tuba of Tubaov has a lot in it. The women of Jerusalem did not stay home waiting to be discovered. They went out. They went out, don't stay home waiting to be discovered. The men did not stay home waiting for someone to provide the address of their soulmate. They went to the vineyards, but Sherid is real. There's somebody out there that's for you. It's a beautiful thing. I truly, truly believe that there is somebody out there for you. Everyone has a soulmate, just one at a time. If you're asking about more than one soulmate, one at a time. Heaven may give you the blessing, and today may have special blessings attached to it, but it does not eliminate human effort. You have to make the effort. You have to arrange the meeting, you have to show up, answer the call, accept an introduction, maybe one that does not perfectly match your expectations. Upload a profile. I'm making all of my matches today. Uh and I do now, I only do matchmaking via jmontreal.com. You can use mine where I'm going to do matchmaking. You can do others. There's so many options. Just as many as you can. If you have to put yourself out there, become findable. Become findable. You have to, when you're dating, have uncomfortable conversations. You may need to take uh the emotional risk of being vulnerable. And uh my message to you today, especially to the singles. I don't know what, I don't know another word. Is there is there a I I found like this the word singles has become taboo, but I'm just gonna call it singles, and if you have a better word for me, let me know. To every single person, you are not defective, you are not half a soul still wandering around incomplete. Your dignity is not determined by your relationship status. Your life is happening now. Don't postpone your joy, don't postpone your purpose, don't stop building friendships, don't stop building community, don't stop building your health, your meaning, and at the same time, don't allow disappointment to close your heart. Maybe you're tired, maybe you've been rejected, maybe you have met people who didn't recognize who you are, didn't see you for who you are, didn't see you for what you carry. Maybe you've watched younger siblings or friends move on and you remained in the same place. I can't promise you a date. I can't promise you a timeline. People come to me like I'm the Messiah, like I have all my faith. I'm putting all my faith in you. Don't do that. That's going to be a recipe for disaster, not success. Because God, I have never made a match in my life. God makes all the matches. Sometimes God chooses me as the conduit, and sometimes someone else. But I do believe that every single person who I have been the conduit for would have met some other way. It just happened to be I was chosen, and I'm honored for that. But I definitely am not the messiah of relationships. And also, your past does not possess the authority to write the final chapter of your life. Tuba'ov comes after Tishabah of. To me, that means love can also come after heartbreak. Building can come after destruction. The Jewish calendar is beautiful when we tap into it, it refuses to give up on renewal. So don't give up on yourself. To the married couples, to those who are married, don't stop dating your spouse after the wedding. Don't become so uh busy managing your life that you forget to create a home. Your spouse does not only need your efficiency, they need your attention. Ask a new question, bring something new into your Relationship, express appreciation, put away your phone, you can repair something that you've left unresolved at any moment, and today's a great day for that. And you could remember, if you can, that beneath all the schedules and all the bills, there is a human being that once was there with you and entrusted you with their heart. And don't treat that trust casually. Even if the person you married has changed, so have you. And my invitation to you is to become curious about who they're becoming. And to everyone, today think of a person you know. Not ten, just one. Not yourself. A person you know, and think of someone that might be appropriate for them. You don't have to say, I don't know whether it will work. Of course you don't know. I'm not a matchmaker. We know that already. Make an introduction. Make a call, send a message, ask permission, not unsolicited. I have an idea for you. Are you interested? Homes are built with introductions. Some people build homes with bricks, others build them with introductions. Today there are so many people who are looking, and it is so hard for them to find. You can channel God. God's job is to find their match. You can be God's messenger for them. Tuba'ab is beautiful, it's a full moon. The 15th. We know the 15th of a Jewish month is a full moon. And in Jewish thought, the moon represents the Jewish people. The moon disappears and then it returns. It becomes small and then it becomes full again. And the moon teaches us that something can diminish without being destroyed. And something can disappear from view without disappearing from existence. Hope can always return. Trust can return. Love can return. I'm a big fan. I really believe in it. And sometimes after a long night and a time of disconnection, the heart becomes full again. My blessing to each and every person who's searching for love. May you know who you are without becoming imprisoned with who you have been. May you remain open without abandoning your boundaries. May you recognize the character beneath the charm, the substance beneath the appearance, the possibility beneath the imperfection. And may you find someone with whom you can laugh honestly and you can speak seriously and disagree respectfully and grow, grow courageously. May you never settle for a relationship that diminishes your spark, diminishes your light. May you never reject a beautiful soul because God wrapped the gift differently than you expected. And may those who need healing find healing, and may those who need courage find courage, and may those who need clarity find clarity, and may those who have become discouraged feeling hope awakening again within them. And may every single person find the person who is not simply right, but right for them. May we soon be able to witness the ultimate rebuilding after destruction, when the broken heart of the Jewish people become whole, in a world of peace, in a world of unity, where it says there, when the Jerusalem is filled again with the sounds of joy, and it says the voices of the bride and groom. The celebration of a world that's finally redeemed. I wish you a happy tuba of, beautiful holiday of love. And may this be the day that your heart begins believing in its future again till we meet again.